


Penance

by DragonOfChanges



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Ritual Bloodletting, Trigger for self harm?, ritual scarring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:51:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6673381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonOfChanges/pseuds/DragonOfChanges
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiels' guilt, and his effort to ease it. Set post S-11. God makes no appearance in this version of the season. The added sketch is my own work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Penance

                                                                                                                    

 

Dean stared unblinking at the thick scars on Cas’ shoulder blades. The trio had just returned to the Men Of Letters Bunker after a rugaru hunt in a nearby town. It was their first hunt since Cas had suddenly appeared at the Bunker door a week ago-after nearly a years’ absence. During the fight the angel had sustained an injury to his upper arm. His recently restored Grace had been severely diminished in the battle, and he was not healing as fast as he should have. They’d have to treat this injury as if he were only human- again. Dean helped Cas out of his trench coat and suit jacket, and into a chair at the War Room table. He removed the button down shirt carefully. Suddenly he froze, seeing the marks on the shoulder blades of the angel for the first time. They were angry looking pink/red scars, evenly spaced, equal in length.

“And where the Hell did these come from?” Dean asked. He examined them more closely. His eyes narrowed. “These aren’t from any monster. They were done on purpose.” Cas flinched, having forgotten the presence of the marks in the relief of all of them surviving the fight nearly unscathed. Sam had hurried back with the first aid kit from the bathroom. He fixed the pair with a puzzled look at the angry tone from his brother. His eyes widened when he saw the scars. They were precise, with no jaggedness. It was obvious that this had been allowed, consented to. They were too neatly done to be anything else.

“Why?” Sam asked, though he was pretty sure that he already knew the answer. It was something he had considered doing, as well.

“Ritual purification. Penance.” Cas’ voice was soft. Sam nodded. He had been right.

“Explain.” Dean snapped as he glared at Cas, who looked away. The battle injury was forgotten for the moment. Dean settled on another chair. No one was going anywhere until Cas gave him an explanation. Why would he do this? Why would he allow this? Cas fidgeted nervously. He sighed,

“It happened when I was human, during this last year. I was lost, adrift, after Amaras defeat and Lucifers disappearance. After my Grace...failed. I did not- do not -feel that I have atoned enough yet for all I have done wrong. For all the harm I caused, for what I became. I’ve made so many mistakes in my time on Earth. Deceiving and betraying you two. Breaking Sams wall. Opening Purgatory. Playing God. Causing the Angels to Fall. Releasing the Darkness. Allowing Lucifer into my vessel, and out of the Cage. His escape after Amaras defeat...and so many other things. I was so ashamed of myself, of my weakness, of my selfishness. Of my pride and my arrogance. Lucifers escape was the last straw. It....broke me. I couldn't face anyone. Especially not you two. So I…ran away, coward that I am. I was so ashamed. " He paused, unsure of how to tell what came next. "I, drifted, traveled. I looked for small, human ways to redeem myself by helping others, where I could. I met an old shaman near Santa Fe. We quickly became friends. He introduced me to his son, who he was training in the Old Ways. In our long talks, I never told him exactly what I had been. I simply said that I had hurt many and that I carried much guilt. He suggested talking to a priest. I laughed, and said that I doubted that would work for me. He said that maybe he could help. We three could put together a purification ritual. It could help ease the shame, pain and guilt he felt was threatening to destroy me. He would try to bring me some peace with myself, and with my past.”

“And those?” Dean growled, pointing to the ten lines of thick scar tissue, five on each shoulder blade. Each one fully five inches long. Cas continued, not looking at either Winchester.

“Part of the ritual.” Dean nodded. Cas gathered his courage. If they wanted to know, he would tell them the whole story. He took a deep breath and braced himself to continue.

“After a cleansing bath, I was smudged, then led to the ritual room of his home. Naked, I was secured-hands above my head-to a post in the rooms center“. Cas absently rubbed the scars on his wrists where the hemp rope had chafed as he had struggled to be still through the pain. “The circle was set and I was smudged once more. I endured this ritual a total of ten times. Each time, twenty hard lashes to my back were given.” Sam flinched at this. “On each strike, I spoke aloud the name of one who I had disobeyed, betrayed, hurt, killed. I named my Father, my brothers and sisters I had killed, the humans who had died because of me or been hurt because of my actions. I spoke many names, including…yours, and Sams…” He paused. Sam looked at him, stunned. He had no words for the feelings that Cas' self imposed suffering on his behalf evoked.  
Dean figured. “Twenty…ten. Shit! Two hundred-“

“Yes” Cas continued quickly ” Only a small part of the total. Every name spoken was a plea-for forgiveness… Afterward, I was helped down, and laid face down across a small bench. My back was cleaned. Then, with words of atonement spoken, a mark was cut with a ritual blade into my shoulder to symbolize my penance. It was rubbed with an ointment, colored so that it would scar. The scars would become my reminder of my progress toward redemption, and of the long road I had yet to travel. After ten sessions in as many months, the shaman said that he had done all he could to help me, gave me a final blessing, and we parted ways. I think that by then he knew what I was. The last scar, the one on the outside right, was done six weeks ago. My Grace returned soon after that. Maybe it was never truly been gone, just...dormant. Until...” They sat in silence for many minutes.

“But your Grace IS back. You could heal the marks. Why don't you put it all behind you now that you're back here, with us?” Dean asked..

“Dean, I don’t WANT to heal them! I don’t WANT to forget! EVER!" Cas yelled. His eyes glowed brightly for a moment. He took a deep breath and calmed himself. The glow faded. "But since they bother you, I will be sure to keep them covered." He glared at the elder Winchester.

"Besides, my path to forgiveness is not yet at an end." He said, suddenly unwilling to meet Deans gaze.

“And did it…the rituals…help?” Sam asked, softly. Dean shot his brother a look, but Sam ignored it. Cas turned his attention to Sam, looked at him thoughtfully.

“Yes. I feel…better. Lighter, more focused. More in control and better able to continue to try to set things right.” Sam nodded in understanding. Dean treated his arm injury in stony silence.

“You could have come to us, you know. We’re family…” Dean said. Anger and sadness flowed from the elder Winchester in waves. Cas got up, not bothering to redress.

“No, I couldn’t. Not this time. My guilt, my pain, weren't ever yours to bear, either of you.”

Dean shot him a hurt look, but said nothing.

“Cas” Sam said hesitantly “Isn’t there anything we can do, you know, to help you?” Cas smiled softly.

“Thank you for the offer, Sam, but unless you can find my Father so that I can beg his forgiveness and find absolution, this is my burden, alone. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a long day. I think we all need some rest.” He wandered off to the room he now kept, the one furthest down the hall. To another night spent in silence. In meditation and prayer to his Father...even if no one would hear him pray.

**Author's Note:**

> Usual non ownership disclaimer here.


End file.
